Archive for the ‘Chris Hates Books’ Category

Chris hates VAMPIRE HUNTER D

Monday, January 26th, 2015

imageVampire Hunter D
Hideyuki Kikuchi
(1983)

When I picture a half-vampire/half-human vampire hunter, I envision a brooding, sexually-irresistible Adonis with superhuman speed and strength. Kikuchi tries to do this with his protagonist, D, but massively underpowers him. I mean, the dude can only draw his sword in 1/6 of a second? Pssh. I could probably do that! And every man and woman swoons when he walks in the room; c’mon, they should literally be throwing themselves at him! Sorry, Kikuchi, but your style’s just a little understated for my tastes. I’d blame the translator.

Chris hates FORGE OF DARKNESS

Monday, March 4th, 2013

imageForge of Darkness
Steven Erikson
(2012)

When I hear the word “prequel”, I think comfort. Give me more of the same stuff that I loved in the original series, just set a little earlier. We mostly know how it goes anyway, all you have to do is just flesh out the particulars. When Steven Erikson hears the word “prequel”, he must think, “Ha-ha, screw you guys!” because this is the kind of crap he pulls: Sworn enemies are now BFFs. Total jerks are now namby-pamby goody-goodies. Titles and relationships, even the geography turn out to be different than we thought! So it’s set a half a million years before the main series; who cares? There’s a reason dudes say things like, “I’ll never betray you in a million years!” Erikson, you’re doing it all wrong.

Chris hates THE PRINCE

Friday, March 1st, 2013

imageThe Prince
Niccolò Machiavelli
(1532)

What a bunch of garbage. This is AMERICA, we don’t even have princes here! Geez lou-eez, get with the times, Nick.

Chris hates SCOURGE OF THE BETRAYER

Wednesday, February 27th, 2013

imageScourge of the Betrayer
Jeff Salyards
(2012)

So I’m clipping through this enjoyable, if mysterious, military fantasy, when suddenly, out of nowhere: BLAM-O! right in the feelings! This is a macho manly-man’s book, and there’s nothing macho nor manly about the tears that are most definitely not welling up even now, no sir, no way. Oh, God, someone hold me.

Chris hates A GAME OF THRONES

Monday, September 24th, 2012

A Game of Thrones
George R. R. Martin
(1996)

This is a book about terrible things happening to good people. It’s a book where decency is punished, and the bad guys win. It’s depressing and horrible…and I loved every minute of it. And now I hate myself.

Chris hates DEEP SKY

Thursday, September 13th, 2012

Deep Sky
Patrick Lee
(2012)

The concluding volume of Patrick Lee’s “Travis Chase” sci-fi thriller trilogy literally made my brain explode. Yes, I said literally. Now I’m dead, and can only blog from beyond the grave. And you know what’s hard? Typing out these posts with ghost fingers, that’s what’s hard. Thanks for nothing, Patrick Lee.

Chris hates THE BOOK OF THE NEW SUN

Monday, May 28th, 2012

The Book of the New Sun
Gene Wolfe
(1980)

So I’m starting in on this one, and it seems very much like your standard sword-and-sorcery fantasy. And then weird stuff starts bleeding in… Is—is that a raygun? Are those…aliens? Waitaminute, is the Matachin Tower actually a grounded rocketship? No no no no, science fiction and fantasy are two distinct genres for a reason! Gene Wolfe, you got chocolate in my peanut butter! You got peanut butter in my chocolate!

Chris hates CAINE BLACK KNIFE

Thursday, May 24th, 2012

Caine Black Knife
Matthew Stover
(2008)

Matthew Stover is a f***ing fantastic writer, and his Acts of Caine are awesomely, brutally violent. But Mr. Stover has a fatal f***ing flaw, and it is this: he doesn’t use the word “f***” f***ing often enough. Is it too f***ing much to ask that every f***ing paragraph be seasoned with no fewer than 10 “f***“s? F*** no, it isn’t! Stover tries his best, but f*** if I still can’t help but hold this f***ing failure against him.

Chris hates THE SHADOW OF THE WIND

Monday, May 21st, 2012

The Shadow of the Wind
Carlos Ruiz Zafón
(2001)

This is a brooding, atmospheric novel full of mystery and suspense. It’s beautiful and it’s captivating. But it’s also all about the love of books and stories. F*** that s***. What’s the name of this blog, anyway?

Chris hates A PRINCESS OF MARS

Thursday, May 17th, 2012

A Princess of Mars
Edgar Rice Burroughs
(1917)

So this book is basically a rip-off every sci-fi action flick you can think of. It might as well be called “Star Wars on Mars Starring Superman.” Perhaps the most ridiculous part is the weapons the characters use to fight: swords. And not even lightsabers or laser swords or anything cool, just plain old metal blades. No rayguns or anything! This is supposed to be “classic” science fiction? Please.